The Boy's Trees

After the accident each of the boy's schools planted a tree in honor of the boys. Earlier this year I received a call from the middle school. They wanted to let me know they were re-doing the parking lot and as a result had to remove Dawson's tree for the summer months. They assured me the tree would be well taken care of and replaced as soon as the new parking lot was finished. I would have been devastated to stop by the school only to have the parking lot torn up and Dawson's tree missing.   The thoughtfulness of the school district to let me know, really touched me. 

These photo's are actually from last year. I went to the tulip fields last year for Easter, I spent the morning photographing the flowers. After I was finished I bought a bouquet of tulips and took some to the accident site and each of the trees. I had planned to do the same this year for Easter, but was unable to go due to back issues.

                                                   Dawson's Tree

                                                 Devin's Tree

 This little green bug reminded me of Devin. He loved little things and he would have liked to see this guy on his tree.

                     These flowers are so small, smaller than a quarter.

Control, Bitterness and the Loss of Peace

Lamentations 3:17a “I have been deprived of peace”

            In the beginning while still in the hospital I told myself I was gong to be real with my grief. It was an easy decision to make. I had to be real, because I had to express what I was going through. It was the only way I could cope. (If you don’t know my story read – here, here, here, here, or here. To read other things I've learned on my journey read here, or here).

            Because of some of the things I’ve been through, I’ve come to prize honesty and sincerity in others. They are not traits I run into as often as I’d like, but they are ones I highly value. So in the interest of being real, honest and sincere myself, I’ll share something with you I’d rather keep hidden.

            Shortly after the accident God blessed me with immeasurable peace. My life was falling apart around me, and though it was extremely painful I had peace. It was the first time in my life I truly understood the phrase “peace that passes all understanding” (Philippians 4:7)

            Several months ago I lost my peace. It happened slowly. So slowly I did not even notice what was happening. By the time I did notice, it was too late. Stress, frustration, worry and fear were controlling me. The result, bitterness was setting in. I felt like every aspect of my life was spinning out of control, and the harder I tried to maintain control, the worse it got. The bitterness grew.

            Soon the bitterness became an open door for the enemy to add his bitter thoughts to my mind. I knew the thoughts were not mine, but I was powerless to stop them. Thoughts like “what kind of God creates people so they will praise him”.

            Side bar: As I was writing this post it dawned on me that praise was the place the enemy chose to attack. Praise was one area of my life that became important to me after the accident. I would go to church and sing praise songs, and I could feel the grief change. I would pour out my grief in song and God would fill me with his peace. Praise was how I fixed my trust on God.

            But now it was being attacked. I was in such a state I was unable to stop the thoughts and they kept coming. It was frustrating because while I knew the thoughts were wrong, I had no answer. I was bitter.

            I struggled with letting go of control, I knew that’s what needed to happen, but I didn’t want to let go. Eventually I began to release the stranglehold of control I had on my life, and things improved a little. But somewhere I was still holding on tight. Once I was able to fully let go, things in my life started to fall into place. But the bitterness was still there, lingering.

            A few days ago I finally sat down to do my devotions, a practice I’d been neglecting. Oddly enough the devotional was on bitterness. It was during this time I realized I had been letting stress and fear control me.  Once I realized this, I could feel the bitterness that had wrapped itself around my heart let go as well. For the first time in months I began to feel peace again.

           

            The thoughts on praise still plagued me. Though they’d lost some of their power, I still did not have an answer. The other day I was driving and began to really take notice of the scenery around me. I noticed the tress and the many different varieties that lined the freeway. I thought about what I’ve been learning in school about the brain and how intricate and complex it is. I thought about the many little things it takes to keep the world spinning and how the world sustains itself. I thought about the vastness of the universe and the majesty of the mountains. God made all these things. From the microscopic neurons in my brain to the stunning mountains I love so much, to the universe so vast we can never discover it all. The God who made all that loves me, he loves me! When you really think about it, it’s darned humbling. He created the entire universe and yet I have not escaped his attention. Praise isn’t about “God getting his due”, it’s about me expressing my amazement that he even bothers with me, at all. It’s about my feeble efforts to return the love God has so lavishly expressed on me.

            As I was driving all this was going through my head. I happened to look out the window to my left, and I saw the most brilliant double rainbow I’ve ever seen and felt like God put it there just for me. In that moment my peace returned.

           

 Because I was driving I was not able to get a photo of the double rainbow. But this one is pretty too.

Forest Park and Pittock Mansion

Last month a photographer friend and I decided we need to go shooting together again. I suggested we go find this abandoned building I'd seen photo's of. We looked up the location online and head out. Turns out getting vague directions from the internet isn't a great idea. It took us a while to find the trail head, but after a slight detour through Portland, we managed to find our way. We hiked in about a mile to find this abandoned building. Built by the WPA in the 1930s it served as a restroom until the 1960s when a fire destroyed much of the building.                                    

 It was fun to explore the different aspects of the building and the details of the surrounding forest.

After exploring Forest Park, we drove up to Pittock Mansion. I've lived in Oregon for over 20 years and have never visited this popular location. It's a beautiful house, with a stunning view panoramic view of Portland. The mansion was closed for the month. So I'll have to go back to see the inside. We peered in some of the window, and it looks amazing. Since we couldn't get inside, we wandered around the building capturing some of the mansions details.

What I did on Super Bowl Sunday

I'm not really a football fan. I don't mind watching the game, but I don't get into football the way a lot of America does. On Super Bowl Sunday I decided to run up to the Columbia River Gorge to work on a Flat Stanley project for the daughter of a friend of mine. (If you don't know who Flat Stanley is check out this website). My plan was to snap some photo's of Flat Stanley at a few scenic spots then join my family for the Super Bowl. But on my way out the door I grabbed my camera. I ended up being out longer than I had planned. When I'm behind my camera I lose track of time. :) I did manage to see enough of the Super Bowl to watch the Broncos score their only points of the game. LOL!

 I ran into a couple of photographers at Wahkeena Falls. I had a great time chatting with them. I decided to pull my camera out and grab a few shots of this amazing waterfall.

On the way up I decided to check out a new lookout spot I had discovered. I has an amazing view of the gorge. I decided to stop on my way back to try and get a sunset shot. Just after I took this photo the sun when behind a cloud.

The photo below was taken with my phone. I'm not a fan of the photo, but I thought you'd like to meet Flat Stanley. :)

Christmas Magic Lost

I love Christmas. It's my favorite time of the year. Holiday decorations everywhere you go, cold wintery weather inviting comfy sweaters and hot chocolate, and buying gifts for loved ones all make the season special. Christmas magic seems to float in the air.

But since the accident so many things are not the same, especially Christmas. The first Christmas without my boys I couldn't handle it. The thought of waking up to an empty house on Christmas morning was unbearable. So I ran away. As far away from Christmas as I could get. Hawaii with it's tropical warm weather and crowds felt nothing like the Christmas season. It was the perfect escape. (If you want to see my photo's from my trip click here, here, here, or here).

The second year without my boys I couldn't afford to run away again, at least not that far. So instead, I talked my family into running away with me. My parents rented a house in the mountains. We woke up Christmas morning to snow falling and it didn't stop until around 4pm. To this day I believe God sent us snow as a gift. That snow fall made our Christmas perfect.

This year is different. I don't feel the need to run away like I have the last 2 years. Yet I don't really feel the Christmas magic either. I feel like an outside observer. I see Christmas decorations and they surprise me. "Oh ya, it's Christmas", I think to myself. I buy Christmas gifts, admire the lights on houses, and go to Christmas parties, it's just not the same. The magic is gone.

Someday I expect the magic and wonder of the Christmas season will return. But without my boys it will always be different.

I love this photo from their last Christmas. Dawson had been asking Santa for a Lego Mindstorm for at least 2 years, he'd even been saving his own money for just as long. On his last Christmas he opened up his last gift to find a Lego Mindstorm. He was so happy he cried. But my favorite part of this photo is seeing the look on Devin's face. He was just as excited for his brother. That is Christmas Magic.

A Rare Opportunity

Back in April I received a phone call asking if I would like to go flying. I absoutely love flying! So I jumped at the chance. I grabbed my camera and rushed out the door. I arrived at the airport to find Gary getting his plane ready. I was so excited the giant "Experimental" written behind the seats in cab didn't phase me.

 The stripe down the side of the airplane is pink in honor of the beautiful sunsets Gary loves so much. "I will rise up on wings like the eagles and will soar with His spirit" is written on the side of the plane.

 In case the "Experimental" written on the cab doesn't get your attention, this small plaque on the instrument panel might.

                                          My chauffeur to the clouds.

 There is something magical about flying over the earth. No borders, no boundaries, just soaring.

 We decided to fly over and see the mountains. A trip that would take at least 2 hours by car took only a few minutes in the air. With the cloud cover I was worried we would not be able to see the mountains. Mt. Hood decided to peak out above the clouds.

 It doesn't seem to matter how many times I fly, I love watching the way the light catches in the clouds. Seeing the tops of the clouds is so much more fun than the bottom of them.

 Once we cleared the clouds, the mountains were easy to see. Mt. Jefferson and the Three Sisters glow in the light of the setting sun. I love the way the back side of the mountain slopes down, it's like a long train on a wedding dress.

 After we had our fun photographing Mt. Jefferson, we turned toward Mt. Hood. I love the long dark cloud pointing the way.

 I squealed when I took this shot. I'm pretty sure Gary thought I was crazy. But sometimes when you know you've captured something stunning, you just have to squeal. This is one of my favorite photos. Mt. Hood stands tall and proud above the clouds. Mt. Adams reflects the light of the setting sun in the background.

                  I love this photo of Gary silhouetted against the sunset.

The suns last brilliant light just before it dips below the horizon. I think it's pretty cool that I caught the propellor of plane in motion.

 We flew so close to Mt. Hood, I was sure I could reach out and touch the snow. I like the drama the B&W treatment adds to this photo.

 After the sun went down we headed back and flew over Portland. Gary let me fly the plane for a while. It's amazing how little pressure is needed on the stick to get the plane to respond.

Fort Casey

Dale and I spent the day on Whidbey Island with our last stop being at Fort Casey. The fort defended the entrance to the Puget Sound. Built in 1890, the fort was at its height from 1901 - 1919. As technology advanced the fixed guns of places like Fort Casey became obsolete. During WWI and WWII Fort Casey served as a military training site. In 1950 the Coastal Artillery Corps was disbanded and Fort Casey became a Washington State Park in 1956.

I love old places like this with their history. The old buildings make me wonder about the men who trained, lived and worked here. 

 I love lighthouses. They are so interesting. Some day I'd like to drive the Oregon Coast and photograph all the lighthouses.

 We were able to go up into the tower of the lighthouse. I snapped these two photos from behind the tower where the light used to be. It was really hot up there so we didn't stay long.

 Two different views of the gun battlements. It's amazing how big everything is.

 This photo above is one reason I will never believe in global warming. If grass can grow through several feet thick concrete, well it just shows how strong nature really is.

                                            Umm . . . . Dale . . . .

 I found these rings all over the fort. I'm not sure what they were used for, but they were sure big and most likely very strong.

 This just cracked me up. That pillar right in the middle of the 3 stair staircase.

                         Even dandelions can be interesting sometimes.